Los Angeles is one of those places where you can find any and all types of food, especially tacos. I’ve seen it all from simple vegetarian tacos to “desert tacos”. This begs the question: What is a taco? Is this divine creation simply the combination of a corn tortilla and some sort of ingredient inside? Does that ingredient have to be meat at all? Well, I’m not here to answer all those questions but I am here to provide some guidelines. I am all in on creativity but there are just some things that are sinful and unspeakable acts against tacos that could and should earn you eternal damnation.
Has there ever been a more useless “food” on the planet? Let’s take a step back and focus on what lettuce is actually used for. The true function of this worthless green abomination is to either feed your pet rabbit or fill an empty space where real food should actually be! Even in a salad where the stuff is the main ingredient, you have to add other things to it to make this shit edible. But Luis, what does your hate for lettuce have to do with tacos? Let me tell you. If you are putting lettuce in tacos, you are basically saying you are either too cheap to add more meat to it or you lack the creativity to throw on something that actually adds flavor. I don’t want your fucking packing peanut equivalent of a food anywhere near my precious tacos.
2. Ground Beef
Somewhere down the line, we got lazy. We said no, cooking actual meat is too much work or too expensive or too time-consuming. Let’s instead take this fast food excuse for meat and throw it on a hard shell tortilla (oh don’t worry we’ll get to that disaster in a minute) and call it a taco. Ground beef has absolutely nothing to do with tacos or Mexican cuisine in general. Nothing breaks my heart more than walking into a restaurant or buffet and seeing a tray of ground beef labeled “taco meat”. That level of disappointment is just as bad as the final episode of How I Met Your Mother. Something so great just completely and utterly ruined. Ground beef only belongs in my hamburger helper or seasoned and made into a delicious hamburger patty, not in my tacos.
3. “Taco Sauce”
Who the FUCK had the audacity or the authority to make a sauce and call it taco sauce! The sauce that goes on your taco is almost as sacred as the taco itself. It’s made with love and unique to the place serving every taco. This mass produced plague tastes nothing like actual sauce that goes on your taco and should be gathered into a pile and burned along with all of these Fast and The Furious sequels. At the very least let’s all collectively agree to rename it something more accurate like Shitty Ketchup or Not Actually Hot Hot Sauce.
4. Tortilla Chips
Now before you get all flustered let’s look at the title of this post. Top 5 Things That Don’t Belong On Your Tacos. I didn’t say WITH your taco. More than a few times I’ve had places pile on some tortilla chips right on top of my plate as if they’re doing me a fucking favor of some sort. Why the hell would I want to dig through these damn chips to get to my taco? Am I supposed to eat my way through them? Why couldn’t you just get an extra plate and thrown them on there instead? There are two things I don’t fuck around with: my money and my tacos. You’re getting in the way of my tacos. Stop.
5. Hard Shell Tortillas
Not to be confused with Tostadas, these sneaky sons of bitches somehow got away with taking this:
And turning it into this:
And we played right into their game. We have all gone to Jack at 2 a.m. and ordered more “tacos” than we could possibly fit in our stomachs. I’ll be the first to admit, they aren’t half bad especially in a pinch but let’s not lose sight of my point. Those are not tacos. They are a fucked up bastardized version of tacos. They are the “made in china” version of tacos. They are the LA Clippers version of tacos. They are the XFL of tacos. They are the… well you get the idea. At the very heart of this poisonous imposter is the hard shell tortilla. The only time my tortilla should be hard is if I’m eating a tostada or it’s deep fried and made into one of the many mouth-watering dishes we all know and love. Unfortunately, the mass produced hard shell tortilla has single-handedly tainted the good taco name for far too long and I’m taking the torch and speaking out against it! Fuck you hard shell tortilla. Fuck you.
I know I know, this wasn’t so much a list of what shouldn’t go on a taco as it was an all-out declaration of war against fast food tacos, but you have to admit that I have a point. As a taco enthusiast, I can get behind creativity and taking risks but what I just can’t get behind is disrespecting the ancient art of taco making.