Taco Tuesday at Whole Foods

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When I heard about Taco Tuesday at Whole Foods in DTLA, I’ll admit, my expectations were probably as low as you can possibly have them. I mean, let’s be honest here. This is the same place that sells this kind of shit:

Not that there’s anything wrong with that but typically, tacos are not synonymous with “healthy”. And if they are, those aren’t the kind of tacos you want to be eating. Just the thought of a soy tortilla or almond milk horchata makes me quiver. I’d even venture to say it’s borderline blasphemous. I wouldn’t wish that kind of abomination on my worst enemy.

So I met a friend of mine there and tried my best to have an open mind knowing full well I was diving head first into a sea of canned salsa and disappointment. My very first impression had nothing to do with tacos. Now, I don’t know how many of you have had the opportunity to visit the Whole Foods in Downtown LA but holy fuck. This place is not your typical supermarket. They have a fucking BAR! Yes, you’re reading this right. A full on bar serving all of your alcoholic needs. This place is a game changer.

Inside the bar is where you can order some grub and that’s where they had their giant Taco Tuesday sign. The line was pretty long so I quickly realized this Taco Tuesday at Whole Foods is a thing people actually go to.

The way it’s set up is you order at the register and take your receipt to the other side of the bar where there is a little stand. A couple of people are there getting the tacos ready. They aren’t really making anything but mostly just asking you what you what type of meat you want and throwing the taco together. I tried one of each which included Beef, Shredded Beef, Pork, Chicken, and Vegetarian.

Fuck my life, I thought.

The shredded beef gave me Taco Bell flashbacks and I was worried the vegetarian one would be as awful as it sounded. Either way, I knew I had an obligation to all taco lovers out there to see what they all actually tasted like and report back. The tacos looked pretty good when they handed them over but one crucial part was missing:

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE SECOND TORTILLA!

Now, listen up boys and girls. The second tortilla on a taco is a crucial element to its construction. Like all well-crafted things, every part has a purpose. Whole Foods must’ve thought “Hey, we’re Whole Foods and we think one fucking tortilla is good enough. These Mexicans are just throwing on extra carbs.” No, Whole Foods. The extra tortilla isn’t just extra carbs! It’s what keeps the whole fucking thing from falling apart! Whoever the genius who suggested the one tortilla rule clearly never had a taco in their entire life or if by some miracle they did, that asshole was probably using a fork and knife to eat it. The only – and I mean ONLY – exception to the rule would be if that motherfucker was handmade and thick. I mean thick like Fat Amy thick.

Look at Tire Shop Taqueria (Reviewed Here) who makes the one tortilla an artform. Those bad boys are nice and plump giving you no need for a second tortilla. These are some anorexic ass tortillas that can’t possibly stand alone.

Then strike two came along. I reach for the sauces and ingredients to set my taco up, you know, like every fucking taco joint all over the world where they have the toppings laid out in front of you. “Excuse me,” they say. “I’ll do that for you. What would you like on it?”

You don’t know how much sauce I want on my fucking taco! What if I want more green than red? What if I like my onions on a certain section? What if I am very particular about how I set my shit up? Clearly, Whole Foods must know best and jackasses like me will only ruin their carefully thought out Taco Tuesday experience. I almost told them to shove the tacos up their ass but there is no sense in letting tacos go to waste so I just played along with their little game.

One I sat down I have to admit, I was kind of annoyed but the tacos looked so damn good that I forgave the sauce incident and dug right into them.

Meat Selection – 4/10

The safest selection of meat possible. The only reason it didn’t get a lower score was because of their vegetarian option and their two beef options. One was basically your standard asada and the other was a slow cooked shredded beef. The pork resembled carnitas and God only knows what was in the vegetarian stuff.

Meat Taste – 7/10

This was the best part (aside from there being an ACTUAL BAR in Whole Foods. I still can’t get over that.) My friend who took me there is a vegetarian and she said it was pretty good so I just had to try for myself. Well after I finished it I seriously thought I was eating the beef one. I looked down ready to try the vegetarian when I realized I just finished eating it! It ACTUALLY tasted JUST LIKE MEAT. Not only that but it tasted pretty fucking good. For all you vegetarians out there (I’m not too sure how many of you would be reading a taco blog though) THIS is the spot for you. These vegetarian tacos are bomb.com and La Taco Blog approved.

The rest of the meats didn’t really stand out other than the chopped beef a.k.a asada. That son of a bitch was grilled to perfection. So Juicy it had me like:
But with that came this taco’s biggest flaw. More on that later…

Topping Selection – 0

In the words of the infamous Zach DeLa Rocha:

I’ll put my own fucking sauce on my own fucking tacos.Thanks.

Topping Taste – 4/10

Canned and not the least bit spicy. A little too lemony for my liking but it didn’t taste bad at all. It tasted just like you would expect sauce to taste if you bought it at Whole Foods. They also put way too much on my tacos. I wonder what they could’ve done to prevent that?

Overall – 5/10

The overall taste was good. It wasn’t the best taco on the planet but it was cheap at $2 a taco (for Whole Foods standards) and the beef would make me want to go again. If they would just add another tortilla we’d be having an entirely different conversation. If they got their sauce game up, then we’d really be in business. Their meats were honestly on point and even though there was only one of them per taco, the tortilla was damn delicious! With a tweak here and there we are looking at a solid 7 – 7.5 but I’ll stick to my 5 because as a general rule, anything under a 5 means I’m never going back and that certainly isn’t the case. I almost want to give it a 6 but I’d feel like I ‘d be betraying the taco gods if I gave a place that served shredded beef anything over a 5.

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